Anxious Feelings and Being a Control Freak

Are you a ‘Control Freak’ Anxious eye peering through hole in leafAND do you often feel anxious?

Anxiety comes with the territory of needing to control everything and everyone in our lives and the chances are, that you’ve probably not connected this trait with your feelings of stress and anxiety.

Here’s the deal:  When we think that our anxiety or stress is caused by external events, people, things or places in the outside world, we’ll do everything we can to ‘control’ or avoid those parts of our lives in the hope of stopping our anxious thoughts rising.

Unfortunately, you only really have true control over yourself. Others will always disappoint you, best laid plans will go awry, things won’t work when you want them to and certain unwanted situations and places will always be there…

If you feel like this, just take a moment to think about how much time, energy and thinking you devote in trying to ensure the world works in a certain way in order to meet your rules, so that you can feel okay. Also ask yourself, how is this really working for you?

So let’s consider what is really going on in your mind:

Those things in the outside world are not actually creating your feelings. Your feelings are being created from your thinking in that moment.

When you’re thinking anxious thoughts, you will experience anxious feelings. Those anxious feelings, create more anxious thoughts and a vicious circle of anxiety is set up.

Put simply, you are creating stories and scenarios in your mind that are actually not happening in that moment. This means they are not real! It is all in your mind. Unfortunately, your brain thinks it is true due to your internal dialogue and imagery that is creating those uncomfortable anxious feelings.

This is a primitive response designed to protect you from danger, by triggering your ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response in your body. In turn, this bodily response of feeling triggered, unsettled or even panicky often accompanied with increased heart rate, tight breathing, muscle tension etc, creates further anxious thoughts of worry, fear or absolute dread. What is the Fight or Flight Response?

So, how can you cut through this vicious circle of anxious thoughts and feelings?

Simply stop and take 5 slow controlled deep breaths in and out and begin to notice how your thinking is creating your feelings at any given moment.

Just stop and notice.                Not Anxious anymore lying in grass relaxed

Bring your mind back from the future or past and into the present moment. Look around you, focus on your feet on the ground and notice what you can see, hear, touch and feel in the here and now by using the following technique:

The 5 Thinking Hats Technique for Anxious Thoughts

  • One: Notice 5 things you see in the room/place. It can be anything;  a window, a wall, a picture….If you can,  describe them out loud to yourself. Doing this you will also engage your sense of hearing. If the wall is blue for example,  say out loud (or internally)  “I can see a blue wall over there” or “I can see a vase of beautiful pink roses on the table”…do this for 5 things, then…
  • Two: Name 4 things you can feel. Focus your attention on the sensation itself, whilst you name it. For example “I can feel the shoes on my feet” or “I can feel the waistband on my trousers” or “I can feel the wind on my face”.
  • Three: Name 3 things you can hear. Notice how loud or quiet these things are : “I can hear traffic outside in the street”, “I can hear my breathing”, “I can hear the clock ticking on the shelf”.
  • Four: Describe 2 things you can smell. Describe the smells to yourself such as ” I can smell the the delicious warming aroma of my cup of coffee” or the ” I can smell the fresh cut grass from my neighbour’s lawn” or “I can smell the shampoo on my hair after my shower” etc
  • Five: Describe 1 thing you can taste. It can be difficult to find something you can taste when you are calming your emotions, but do try to notice sensations in your  mouth. Maybe taking a drink of something or licking the back of your hand and focusing on any saltiness from your skin or perhaps you’ve just eaten and can still taste your food.
  • See another technique to calm anxiety

Then calm those feelings down further with some mindfulness meditation, a walk outside in the fresh air or other calming relaxing activity that re-directs your focus. By creating some breathing space for yourself, which doesn’t have to be for long, even a few minutes is enough to calm your mind and body down. Once your body is feeling calmer, your mind will follow suit and vice versa, because there is a simple relationship between the two. Trigger one and you trigger the other. Calm one and you calm the other. Give it a try!

Your brain just needs to learn that you are a lot safer than it thinks you are.